Backbiting

We all know that backbiting isn’t nice, it isn’t friendly and it certainly isn’t attractive. Islam states that backbiting is an incredibly awful thing, however I find myself doing it more and more, my question is, is it backbiting when it’s written and posted anonymously?  Now who do you ask this ? It has been said that backbiting is a greater sin than adultery… My my my…. What an awful thing backbiting is. I myself knew from manners and general upbringing that talking about someone behind their back is unpleasant, but it is only today that I have realised the religious implications of such a crime. There are so many things that people don’t know about Islam, myself included. I fear for all the things I will discover about my religion, the things that are sinful that I have acted on. Allah is merciful and forgiving I must just ask for forgiveness, however the problem with backbiting is that you need to first seek forgiveness from the person you were slandering…. Awkward much…… 

Now let me clarify, I am not one to go around bad mouthing one person to another, or pitting one person against another, my backbiting stems from my anger or hurt. My main issues are with my MIL (which you are all aware of) and the general unpleasantness that stems from me not bending to her will and so on and so forth. I only ever mention to my mother what happens between us and one of my friends and it’s more of a moan rather that slating her beyond all reason. 

Yet I do backbite about her whether it to myself or to my mum, it is still the same thing, and in bringing my mum into it, it causes her to sin even listening to me. 

Islam teaches good manners, respect and love and yet people are filled with fear and hatred … 
ISLAM IS PEACE.

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Letter to my husband

Dearest one,

I write this letter with hurt and anger in my heart. Marriage was never for me and you were aware of this before we got married, before i even agreed to be your wife. My reasons were plenty but one of the main reasons was because i was afraid of feeling trapped, alone and angry. I am slowly beginning to feel all of these emotions and it is very unsettling and scary as it does make me question everything. I love you from the bottom of my heart and thank you for all you have done for me and for helping me create our wonderful child however there are some things that i resent you for ever so slightly. I resent you for the fact that you never seem to understand how hard things are for me here… still… nearly 3 years on. How even to this day i don’t feel at home and i doubt i ever will until i have my own home, where i can call the shots. I have never been the type of woman to sit back and take abuse or direction if it is misfired, but i have been taking this from your mother for a while now. I don’t tell you about each and every occurrence because i never wanted to be the type of woman who complains when things could be worse, the type of woman who complains to her husband about his mother, the woman who raised you, fed you and clothed you – because i can’t deny you are a wonderful man and it is a testament to her. However no matter how much i try and believe me i do try, i can’t seem to like her and i do believe that for the most part she feels the same (especially when i don’t fold to her will) Marriage is never easy i saw that with my own parents and i see it even now when my mother is remarried and ‘happy’. I always thought you and i would be perfect because of the love we felt for each other, but this isn’t a fairytale and life never has a happy ending because it is life and it is temporary. Just because it is temporary does it mean i should live unhappily? it is never with you when i am unhappy unless we bicker or have a silly argument, but it is when you’re not around when i have to go and sit in a room with your mother who barely speaks to me some days, i know she didn’t want me as a daughter in law and the only reason why she took me was because of you. I do not fit her description of a good daughter in law, one who cooks, cleans and tidies at her say so, at her command, i haven’t been that girl, never have and never will be. My loyalties and services lie with you, not your parents, despite what they have done for you – they have done nothing for me. Instead your mother has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome, uncomfortable each and every time i haven’t done what she says, or done things how she would do them. I am nearing 30, with a child and a husband and i myself still feel like a girl of 16 because of the way things are in this household. I don’t know where to turn, i can’t talk to you because you just don’t understand and to be honest i don’t think you would even try to understand because it is your mother, i would just get a

oh just ignore her

from you…. which is not what i need, i need guidance, support and a bit of understanding, even if you could speak to her just once so she acknowledges that you’re on my side as well. How can i ask you this when you’re so dedicated and respectful of your parents, so much so when you’re mum is unjust in telling me something or scolding me, you ask me why i snap at her? I think that was the last straw when i realised you would never stand up for me, you would always side with her. I am not being unreasonable i am not asking you to defy or disrespect your mother because i always pray that you stay a good son, as its such a nice thing for our children to see, i am just asking for a bit of consideration. You may think that we have been married long enough for the distance between myself and my own parents not to bother me anymore, but it does, having a child has only made that hole bigger. I still think of the days when i had my own life, where i could do as i please and my mother wouldn’t question me half as much as my mother in law does, where is the sense in that? I am not accountable to them i am accountable to you… I see no way out of this, i see no change, i have tried talking to her to discuss change with her and it isn’t something she is willing to negotiate on. As i write this i cry, i cry for women everywhere who are going through this and worse, i cry for my single life and my parents and friends and i cry for us because slowly this is destroying me and our relationship. I love my child and i love you and that won’t change, but i am slowly starting to not like you… Allah make it easy on me, may He make this uncertainty and pain go away…

 

Some help she is…

Whenever my sister in law (SIL) comes to stay we always have a brilliant time and i enjo time with my nieces, she is so helpful and doesn’t just sit on her ass and expect me to do everything, which is bloody refreshing. The pair of us always discuss her situation and mine, she appreciates that her mother is hard to live and that she doesn’t know how i do it, of course i am never wholly disloyal to my MIL and i do say that she has her merits.

On her last visit we were discussing other members of our family who are due to get married soon (ladies) and we were talking about their living arrangements and how they would cope living with in laws. One of the girls is lovely but i sincerely do not see her living at her in laws forever, even though they have a 5 bedroom house that is practically empty.

My SIL and i agreed and my MIL happened to say that if she doesn’t she doesn’t but the longer you stay with your MIL the better, you get more help and its of more benefit….

STOP THE BUS…..

I felt like saying where is my help? I have raised my son single handedly with a bit of help from his dad, she has done nothing to help me with him, she has consistently made me feel shit for not conforming to her rules and regulations r.e. cooking and cleaning and then she has the audacity to say that MIL help out? Some help she has been.

Im not asking for someone to come and do everything that i should be doing, neither am i asking to sit there with my hands and feet crossed sat on a lily pad, but a little help and recognition would go a LONG way.

Just to highlight a point – one of my sister in laws came back from a visit to Bangladesh and we went to visit her a few days later. She happens to be my MIL Niece (brothers daughter) now they are very close as she is a little bit older and mature and can sit and talk with the “grown ups”, she went to make tea for everyone in her house.

About ten minutes in my MIL comments on this and says oh i don’t know why she’s going to all this trouble and then goes on to help her and carry the teas in and hand them out to everyone…. now Allah forgive me for being envious, but i was, not once has my MIL done that for me or even mentioned an inconvenience for me, to her i guess I’m just the daughter in law and my job is to quietly make tea, samosas, food for everyone, for me its not hard work or an inconvenience.

Do any of you sisters have the same thing with your MIL?

 

 

 

 

Thinking about my past..

Im in a very strange position where i find myself thinking about my ex and one of my good friends at the time, I’ve been dreaming about him and just wondering on the off chance what he is doing and how he is doing. I don’t know how to justify it and i do feel a little bit guilty but not as much as i should be. Its not that I’m unhappy with my husband or how things turned, the exact opposite actually, however i do wonder what would have happened if we had carried on being together. Of course i would have lost my family because my mum would have had a meltdown, one of the reasons why i have always tried to make good life choices.

Maybe its because i didn’t leave things in the best possible way, i have spoken about this ex in a previous blog and he is still playing on my mind.

Its my ten year anniversary of when we started uni and i will be organising a get together for this, which means i am more than likely to be seeing him (if he decides to come). I guess more than anything i enjoyed his company and his friendship and that had to be left behind.

Is he doing well?Has he got a girlfriend?

Oh why are these questions running around in my mind?

 

Headscarf – Hijabi lady

When i was younger i remember thinking to myself i am never going to wear a headscarf all the time, wrap my head up and be modest in that manner. The decision that i made to do this was voluntary and completely of my free will. I guess the change came in the first year of my marriage, it was something i was toying with as due to regular prayer i had become a lot closer to Allah. When the time came the decision was fairly easy, it was just the realisation that everyone would now have to get used to me wearing a scarf, when i never had shown much inclination for Islam prior to this. A lot of my friends are non muslim, hang on ALL of my friends are non muslim, non bengali but they were all surprisingly understanding and respected my choice.

The next part was figuring out how to put the blasted thing on as i had always put the scarf on loosely whenever i had worn it, i wasn’t too keen on the huge displays that some girls created with their scarves either. The first year was easy, i felt proud and respected and i was even gaining acknowledgement from fellow sisters and brothers. I guess deciding to adorn the hijab was the biggest physical change that i had to make on my journey, a change that is visible to the world and clearly identifies you as Muslim.

To say decent hardworking muslims have had it rough recently is an understatement, the rise in hatred towards Muslims causes me to be concerned and a little frightened to wear my scarf when travelling alone. I am due to go back to work in a few months and the thought of doing that journey every day in rush hour, when everyones tempers are already pushed to the max makes me not want to go back to work.

I am not one to give up or throw in the towel so easily, but i have seen some of the atrocities that hijabi’s are having to endure, they take it and bite their tongue, i fear i may not.

Wearing a hijab has been hard for me a few times, there have been times when i want to take it off or not wear one at all but then i think if i stop now will i ever wear it again. It is a constant challenge for me and there are times when i just don’t remember why its worth it? that might sound silly !

I have recently been neglecting my prayers and i do think that i should strengthen this again as i was always on time with my prayers before i wore the scarf. I’m not saying that this is the only reason, but ever since having my baby I really struggle to stay on top of things? I can only hope and pray that Allah will forgive me for my shortcomings. 

I just hate to be one of those girls who doesn’t pray and still swans around in a scarf, I feel like I’m almost cheating by wearing it these days?

Some things are better left unsaid.

Since living here i have never once had an argument with my MIL until now, we had a big old one in the kitchen. Girls like me, the non traditional westernised ones struggle to keep up with the rules and customs of a bengali household, I tend to always have an opinion as well and do not like being spoken to like an idiot and for people to take the mick, which is exactly what she was doing except she tried to pass it off as a joke. I have always been quite a confrontational person, this is built into my character and its something that is never going to change.

On this particular day my son was driving me up the wall, he was crying and whinging and wouldnt sleep, now i blame this behaviour on teething as he is going through that right now, any way an hour later after countless attempts and methods of trying to put him to sleep i succeeded. To which my MIL enters the room throws her hands in the air and says “oh why hasn’t the cooking been done , what are we going to eat?” Now whether she said it jokingly or not isn’t the point, the point is she didn’t even say hello, ask if i was alright she just jumped straight into the cooking and ill be honest i saw RED. Obviously my response wasn’t what she wanted to hear so she left, after a while i went downstairs and she remarked that i needed to learn how to speak properly and how could i speak to her like that?

Before i came downstairs i was going to ask her why she spoke to me in such a manner and this just encouraged me to go ahead, i have been been one to stay quiet. To her she was joking but i know better, it just seems like there is no compassion from her, all she wants from me is to cook and clean, as long as I’m doing that then she is happy, i told her this.

The argument escalated pretty quickly with both of us crying, my FIL came in and told us to stop it.

I have always been told to love and respect my elders but to be honest she really tries my patience. I don’t understand why MIL’s have to be this way with their daughter in laws, they expect the world but don’t want to give them anything in return. She spent her life raising her son to provide for her and do right by her, which alhamdullilah he should do and does, however she hasnt taught him how to be a husband.

Needless to say since this argument she has behaved a lot better and doesn’t dictate orders to me.

 

 

Your cousins will never be your brothers and sisters…

Some families are super close with their extended relatives i.e cousins, aunties, uncles and so on. My in laws happen to be that kind of family, don’t get me wrong thats lovely and all because it keeps everyone close and family gatherings are big loud and lots of fun, however there are so many cases of marrying within the family that the relationship my husband has with his female cousins does concern me at times.

I know each and every one of them and they are lovely, super kind and we all get on like a house on fire, but there are times that even i question their thoughts ?

When we were younger i was extremely close to some of my cousins but they were mainly the female ones, as i got older those relationships changed and we all went our separate ways and made our own friends, we were still close but we would only really see each other at family gatherings and special occasions, the pull that we had before was mainly due to our parents pushing us together. I have never had a close close relationship with my male cousins just purely because the situation never arose and i never needed to. My husband is incredibly close to his female cousins and he does see them as sisters and they see him as a brother (i hope). Now i know people marry their cousins, religiously it isn’t forbidden but it is expressed that it should only be done as a last resort, as it is better to marry outside of the family as it increases it and there is less of a chance of the children having abnormalities. Now as a very traditional family who follow the rules of Islam pretty solidly it makes me think about these relationships that they have created, if they can marry these cousins then really they shouldn’t have been spending as much time with them as they have.

There have been a few cousin marriages in his family (to say the least) now i hate to be judgemental but i really don’t agree with this, but thats what they wanted to do and they did. My husband always strongly says that they are like his sisters and thats how it has always been and that they all feel the same, as do their parents. Sadly for them i am aware that my Father in Law feels differently and he wouldn’t be opposed to my brother in law marrying one of his “sisters”. For me if this ever happened it would constantly question the validity of their relationship forever, it would change everything forever.

His oldest cousin has a very close relationship with my husband and yes its maybe part jealousy that he is as close to her as he is, that he would do so much for her and really go out of his way for another woman bothers me, however it could just be actual human nature in the fact that if I wasn’t in the picture and maybe if his view was tweaked slightly, they could get married. The thought alone is a horrifying one that I don’t like to dwell on it because I find I give her strange looks otherwise. 

I am aware that my father in law has hopes of my brother in law marrying one of the girls, he mentioned it to my dad and that thought suffocates me, he mentioned that he wanted that for my husband and his older cousin, but they both went and got married so it couldn’t happen. I haven’t mentioned this to him as I don’t want to cause any unrest, but he would just wave it off anyway.

I’m not sure where this will end but I am fairly sure that none of them want to marry each other. I hope.